The Hardest Year

Before I get carried away in the excitement of my goals and dreams for 2012, it's time for some reflection on 2011 and the lessons I (hopefully) learned.

2011 was by far the hardest year yet in my weight maintenance. Hitting the three year mark was an accomplishment this summer but I struggled after that in every aspect--mentally, physically, emotionally.

In the first two years of maintenance I had failures and moments of over-eating and even a binge or three, but they were few and far between. I was so freaked out about gaining back any weight that I kept the reins tight. I had never been thin before and weighing 125 pounds felt AMAZING. It felt surreal to wear size 4 and even some larger size 2 jeans and skirts. I was on a skinny-high. My sugar-addiction was under control and overall I was focused and dedicated to healthy eating and exercise. I was fit and nothing could stop me.

For some reason my can-do-anything attitude and confidence left this year. Gone. It resurfaced a few times here and there but I second guessed myself, went back to some old habits and went back on self-promises. Instead of creating solutions, the first few months of uncooperative cold weather gave me an out to my first bike race this year. I didn't feel like getting in the pool to swim so I didn't sign up for any triathlons either. In a winter funk? Yes.

The next bike race (100 miles) that I signed up for turned out to be the "Only time" my in-laws could visit despite my protests that I already had big plans and we should pick a time that was good for ALL of us--yeah right. I had done some training and was feeling pretty good about it but honestly I just got depressed and frustrated with their visit and didn't feel like fighting for it. Where did my 2010 triathlon self go??!! Things got really bad after the in-law visit. In turn, this has also been the hardest year in my marriage. My eating was all over the map-from barely eating because of stress, to overeating to hide the pain. Things are better now because we have worked through them but wow, it's been rough. Communication seems easy until you have to do it with someone that has a completely different view of things.

Well, through all of that I decided not to take care of myself. I stopped logging my food, made poor choices in regards to foods that give me health and energy. My exercise ebbed and flowed and stopped. At least I tried to get in some good hikes with Tyson and did a few dirty runs and some kayaking. I canceled the third bike race that I entered. I felt like a loser. Every few months I rallied myself up. I wanted to look and feel my best! Why was I sabotaging my efforts? Why was I not willing to fight for it? I don't have all the answers, but the truth is maintenance can get boring and monotonous. Weight loss is exciting because you see so many changes and get compliments...maintenance not so much. You have to make an extra effort in maintenance when the going gets tough.

So in August I realized a life-long dream of owning a horse. :))))))
I have found so much joy and happiness...and frustration in being a horse owner. It's a lot harder than I thought, but so rewarding too! I never knew horses were afraid of so many things (why my horse is afraid of pigs and donkeys I'll never know). I spent a lot of time on my horse and at least I couldn't feed my face when I was riding, however my time was so tight that I didn't make food prep a priority and started getting fast food a few times a week. It's such a slippery slope! Easy to slide down and hard to fight your way back up.

Because of all of the above, I felt like I had nothing inspiring, insightful or helpful to say in regards to weight loss and maintenance. What did I know? I didn't feel much like blogging.

This summer all of my pets seemed to have health issues and that stressed me out completely. Especially when Takoda went lame for unknown reasons and Tyson was in the hospital. Vet bills piled up and my stress led me back to....food.

In late September I started a 10 pounds in ten weeks challenge because I was feeling out of control and couldn't fit into a lot of my jeans. Having maintained for over two years in the 120's...I was pushing 141 pounds and feeling fat. Not really fat, but uncomfortable, bloated and just not "me." When you're putting bad stuff in your body and not moving enough you can "feel fat" at almost any weight. I lost almost 9 pounds during the challenge but put a few back on over the holidays.

So now it's almost 2012 and what have I learned?

I've learned that anything worth having takes time and effort and that there is no "end" to any of it. After you lose weight...maintenance is just the beginning. There is no "happily ever after" in marriage--it takes continual effort and work and a lot of communication and compromise.

Whether it's a relationship with a loved one, family, co-workers, a pet, yourself...it's continually evolving. There are Mt. Everest's to climb, rivers to cross, and sandy beaches with crystal clear water to play and relax.

Each day takes moments of courage and curiosity, moments of dedication and triumph. Moments of failure and resolution. Moments of of sorrow and happiness. I've learned it's ok to fail as long as I learn something in the process. I've learned that self-acceptance is really the goal. As long as I am doing my best in the moment then I have to be proud of that.

I've learned that I might not get back to 125 pounds and it doesn't really matter what the scale says or if I can fit back into those skinny jeans (like these): If I don't get back into them by the summer I'll donate them and be done with it. There's nothing wrong with adjusting my goal weight staying between 130-135 as long as I am fulfilling my end of the contract which is eating healthy, nutrient-rich foods, drinking lots of water, exercising most days of the week, practicing some form of meditation/relaxation, and challenging myself in positive ways. I've learned that I'm ok just the way I am, and so are you! If we are constantly beating ourselves up and staying in a negative place we'll never achieve our goals and our potential. I love the quote I added on my header:

"There is no passion in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." ~Nelson Mandela

That is my mantra for 2012. We are so much stronger than we think! I'll be focusing more on volunteer work, paying it forward and having fun with family, fitness and horses. Not sure how I'm going to work it all in, but it will be fun! I have hope that it's all possible :)

I'm ending the year looking like this and that's not so bad!


What have you learned through your experiences this year? What will your mantra be for 2012?